SimDragon's Journal

Saturday, January 08, 2005

This is nuts... it's 3:15am and I can't sleep. I am so wide awake, it's as if it was about 8 pm. I am going to feel like total crap when my alarm goes off in 4 hours time to wake me up. :P

It's very weird. I'm not entirely sure why my insomnia is so bad tonight. Sure, it's my last night in this house, which is quite empty, and I'm sleeping in a different room tonight than where I normally sleep. That may have a little to do with it.. but I used to sleep in the master bedroom prior to this year, so that can't be the full reason. And I actually much prefer this house in its less cluttered state.

I have a feeling that the problem has something to do with the fact that I emptied out my filing cabinet tonight, and took the 3 folders of correspondence from the New Zealand Science Summer School I went to in 1993 with me to read in bed. I've been in the mood to release (ie get rid of) a lot of things that have sentimental value but just sit around taking up space. After all, if a tsunami was approaching, the wouldn't be the first things I would grab!

My intention was to read all the letters from the various friends I had made 11 years ago and have kept in touch with to varying degrees (which is almost nil all round now, something I regret immensely), and then throw them out. After all, I haven't seen most of these people since, save for a small handful (the majority live in NZ after all!), and most of them I haven't heard from for 10 years. For the ones I wasn't hugely close friends with, I was able to read their letter and then put it in the recycle bin, but I've hung on to more letters than I have thrown. And I haven't got very far through reading them yet.. I'm up to about September 1993 :P The first folder is 2 years worth of correspondence; the other two are letters (mostly emails I have printed out more recently) up until today.

The NZSSS was one of the most life changing experiences I have ever had ... 2 utterly incredible weeks spent with some amazing people. It's funny... I know it wasn't all roses on the camp, but I have such fond memories of that time.

At the front of the first folder I had kept the pages of a diary I had written while over in Auckland. I read that tonight before I started the letters; it was the 2nd time I have read that journal since the NZSSS. I think the last time I read it was shortly after I returned home. It's funny... the things I remember most vividly now don't even rate a mention in the diary! The diary itself was reasonably cryptic - a lot of it talks about plans for "Sunday", and I haven't got the foggiest idea what those plans were, or why it caused such angst! :P

It's weird - the majority of my journal entries talk about how depressed I was... !?! It's very scary to see I haven't changed much in 11 years!! I thought I had mellowed out a little in more recent years, but still have a problem with depression. Definitely (well past) time to see a counsellor...

I have the email addresses of a couple of friends from the NZSSS still, but emails to / from them are very rare; perhaps once a year if that. I used to be a great corresponder - I can't believe I let those people slip away from me. :( I am in somewhat regular email contact with one guy from the school, who ironically was not one of the people I was madly exchanging letters with in 1993! We became better friends after I went back to NZ the year after to attend the reunion.

What I really, really regret though, particularly after rereading their letters, is losing contact (complete contact) with my 2 closest friends at the camp - Tony and Lydia. Lydia was literally my best friend in the entire world (since she lived in a different country ;)) for a couple of years after the school. Her letters are so sweet, and I looked forward to them so much. And Tony... damn.

Regret. Melancholy.

I don't know if there is anything I could have changed to keep in contact with those two. With the others, I possibly could have made more of an effort, but I don't think that would have been possible with Tony and Lydia without scaring them off completely. :P Damn, damn, damn. I guess once uni finished (which is when they both dropped off the face of the earth) real life got in the way...

Regret. Melancholy.

It's funny.. I had some really close friends at uni that I have also lost contact with, and I deeply regret that too. Again... with relationships, work etc, we just drifted apart. But time has never erased the deep sadness I feel at the loss of contact with Tony and Lydia.

Stuck in my head: "Can I Love" - The Sharp