Saturday, January 08, 2005
It's very weird. I'm not entirely sure why my insomnia is so bad tonight. Sure, it's my last night in this house, which is quite empty, and I'm sleeping in a different room tonight than where I normally sleep. That may have a little to do with it.. but I used to sleep in the master bedroom prior to this year, so that can't be the full reason. And I actually much prefer this house in its less cluttered state.
I have a feeling that the problem has something to do with the fact that I emptied out my filing cabinet tonight, and took the 3 folders of correspondence from the New Zealand Science Summer School I went to in 1993 with me to read in bed. I've been in the mood to release (ie get rid of) a lot of things that have sentimental value but just sit around taking up space. After all, if a tsunami was approaching, the wouldn't be the first things I would grab!
My intention was to read all the letters from the various friends I had made 11 years ago and have kept in touch with to varying degrees (which is almost nil all round now, something I regret immensely), and then throw them out. After all, I haven't seen most of these people since, save for a small handful (the majority live in NZ after all!), and most of them I haven't heard from for 10 years. For the ones I wasn't hugely close friends with, I was able to read their letter and then put it in the recycle bin, but I've hung on to more letters than I have thrown. And I haven't got very far through reading them yet.. I'm up to about September 1993 :P The first folder is 2 years worth of correspondence; the other two are letters (mostly emails I have printed out more recently) up until today.
The NZSSS was one of the most life changing experiences I have ever had ... 2 utterly incredible weeks spent with some amazing people. It's funny... I know it wasn't all roses on the camp, but I have such fond memories of that time.
At the front of the first folder I had kept the pages of a diary I had written while over in Auckland. I read that tonight before I started the letters; it was the 2nd time I have read that journal since the NZSSS. I think the last time I read it was shortly after I returned home. It's funny... the things I remember most vividly now don't even rate a mention in the diary! The diary itself was reasonably cryptic - a lot of it talks about plans for "Sunday", and I haven't got the foggiest idea what those plans were, or why it caused such angst! :P
It's weird - the majority of my journal entries talk about how depressed I was... !?! It's very scary to see I haven't changed much in 11 years!! I thought I had mellowed out a little in more recent years, but still have a problem with depression. Definitely (well past) time to see a counsellor...
I have the email addresses of a couple of friends from the NZSSS still, but emails to / from them are very rare; perhaps once a year if that. I used to be a great corresponder - I can't believe I let those people slip away from me. :( I am in somewhat regular email contact with one guy from the school, who ironically was not one of the people I was madly exchanging letters with in 1993! We became better friends after I went back to NZ the year after to attend the reunion.
What I really, really regret though, particularly after rereading their letters, is losing contact (complete contact) with my 2 closest friends at the camp - Tony and Lydia. Lydia was literally my best friend in the entire world (since she lived in a different country ;)) for a couple of years after the school. Her letters are so sweet, and I looked forward to them so much. And Tony... damn.
I don't know if there is anything I could have changed to keep in contact with those two. With the others, I possibly could have made more of an effort, but I don't think that would have been possible with Tony and Lydia without scaring them off completely. :P Damn, damn, damn. I guess once uni finished (which is when they both dropped off the face of the earth) real life got in the way...
It's funny.. I had some really close friends at uni that I have also lost contact with, and I deeply regret that too. Again... with relationships, work etc, we just drifted apart. But time has never erased the deep sadness I feel at the loss of contact with Tony and Lydia.
Stuck in my head: "Can I Love" - The Sharp