SimDragon's Journal

Friday, December 31, 2004

The end of a year is a natural time to reflect; spending a very quiet new year's eve at home makes one even more inclined to think about all the old year has held and to speculate about what the new year may bring.

Perhaps I should have made more of an effort to go out and be surrounded at people... I'm not one to celebrate the new year at the best of times, so I'm not about to go out now when I am feeling pretty low. Yay, a night at home to wallow in self pity.

Well, not exactly. I did have a few offers to tag along with friends to gatherings where I wouldn't know anyone else. I elected to stay at home to start catching up with some of the things I have procrastinated about for the past 2 weeks...

The past week and a half has seen my entire life change. I wouldn't exactly say fall apart, as it was entirely my choice. That doesn't make it any easier..

Two days before Christmas, after another long consulation with my GP, I told Scott I wanted to separate. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to date, and not an experience I ever care to repeat.

While I have lived under a great deal of stress for the past year, to the point where my health has really nose dived, it is very sad to be going my separate ways from Scott while I try to piece my health and my finances back together, and work out what on earth I want from my life. Despite some of the things I have said about him here, he is a really lovely person. On the whole he did treat me well, and I thank him for that.

After telling Scott I wanted to separate, I felt even more unhappy... I wasn't sure I made the right decision, and I'm still not 100% sure that it is the right decision. We shall have to see. We managed to have some really good talks over the following few days - it is a pity we weren't able to communicate like that more over the past 6 years that we have been together. Thankfully, the separation is very amicable. I do care for Scott very deeply, so I am very glad we will remain great friends. Ironically, we are better friends now than we have been over the past year.

We are both going to move back with our parents for a while - I'm expecting a good 6 months or so, so we can both get our bodies and our finances healthy, and I think a supportive family environment will help enormously. I did toy with the idea of living on my own for a while - I have done it before - but I think that is not a good idea since I am clinically depressed! Not that I am likely to do anything silly to myself; I think I need some other people around.

I moved out of home 8 years ago, so it is going to be quite weird living with my parents again! I've grown use to having my own house to spread out in and to do as I please. Whether I last 6 months living with just one room to myself is going to be interesting. ;)

I have one more week off from work, and while I had planned to spend this time catching up with a lot of Rotaract things, especially updating websites, and also catching up with email and mail, I haven't touched any of that, and doubt I will before I go back to work. We have both been too emotionally distraught to start packing our things up until today. We've made a start, but I still have a heck of a lot of stuff to box and put into storage. I had only finally unpacked everything in this house a year ago, so having to pack it all up again is going to be quite depressing. I will continue to sell a number of my belongings on ebay, both for some extra money, and to declutter my life.

So what does 2005 hold? Who knows. One thing for sure is that my life will be totally different. I hope I make some better decisions in 2005 than I have in the past - or at the very least, here's hoping that I have learnt from my past mistakes, and don't repeat them!